The Aftermath

Today marks the 46 days after our loss and I'm writing this post not to ask for your compassion, you know that kind of menye - menye thing,...but if you feel somehow sad, kindly turn those feelings to a simple prayer for us and for your loved ones! Or somebody else that you know really need it. That will do I guess :)

I'm aware that it is a sensitive topic and honestly speaking, I brave myself too for writing it. I write simply because I know there are many other women out there that may gone trough the same phase like me or dealing with family or friends with this experience and I want to let you know that you're not alone! It seems that we are alone but actually we are not :)

Disclaimer: What I write and share is based on our own personal experience and it's case by case basis. Different people has different health background, experiences, personality, support system, and environment, and the list go on. Basically it's a case by case basis so please anti anti nyinyir club :)



How old is your pregnancy was then?
According to the doctor based on my first day of last menstruation, the pregnancy should be around 7 weeks but found out I was only 5.5 weeks pregnant. We went for ultra sound check and everything stated as normal and we got permission to fly on the airplane since we already planned to go back to Jakarta that week, and furthermore mommy was physically okay in general. I did have morning sickness but not the severe one, more to nausea. We were instructed to take folic acid as per normal, vitamin D and another supplement. The doctor reminded us to bring along the ultrasound picture in case of emergency.

How did it actually happen?
It was normal Saturday morning when I initiated to help my mom with the laundry since we no longer having domestic assistant in our house. What I did was just hang the wet clothes to the drying rack. Nothing much! Some people were concern whether I was too tired that caused this miscarriage and I didn't think so since what I did was only eating-laughing-eating-repeat ever since we reached Jakarta. But again, thank you for all your concern and care. That day, all of sudden I felt somewhat like a flow coming out from the vagina, decided to go to the toilet immediately and spotted blood clots on the sanitary pad and had pelvic cramps at the same time. The feeling was like having those stomach and pelvic cramps on the first day one menstruation.

Did you go to A&E (emergency section)?
No, we didn't ... Reason being because all of us agree it's pregnancy matter and the most suitable candidate to do the check up and everything is a gyane. I didn't say the A&E doctors were not credible, it's just our mutual agreement as a family to go directly to a gyane. We went to Rumah Sakit Grha Kedoya on that day since it's the nearest and handled by Dr Budi who was the one available on that very moment.

What was the procedure on that day?
I followed the normal procedure, you know like registered myself as new patient, did all the admin stuff, filled up the form, got myself weight, and wait for our turn to be called. When it came to our turn, immediately show the ultrasound picture to the doctor, shared what happen earlier, and doctor said to do another round of ultra sound to get checked. The doctor shared the "baby bag" was no longer there and I was diagnosed with natural miscarriage. 

The leftover from the bleeding was still there.The doctor asked to do curette (kuret) procedure to make sure the womb is clean but I asked for another option which was taking medicine orally with terms and conditions applied. In three to five days the bleeding should get lesser and lesser or else I might loose blood and still have to go for curette procedure. 

They gave me two types of medicine; one to stop the bleeding to take thrice per day and the other one was blood booster supplement (suplemen penambah darah) to take twice per day. Doctor said the stomach cramps will be there for a while as the body and womb are figuring out what happen and try to slowly recover.  Doctor also said by one week everything should be back as per normal meaning no more bleeding, and I should get back for another round of check to make sure the womb is totally clean and healthy. There was no food restriction, no need to continue all the pregnancy vitamins and supplements, ... basically just "act normal" since I was no longer pregnant ..

D+1
Our recovering journey started! Physically I felt so weak, my tummy was bloated, and the cramps were there on and off. The feeling was just like after you gave birth! Plus you have somehow like contraction going on and off. Serba salah! Duduk salah, tiduran salah, jalan salah, makan salah, ga makan lebih salah lagi. I lied down on the bed most of the time trying to digest and embrace everything slowly. Night time around 8 - 10pm would be the most painful cramps moment but thank God once I tried to sleep I could sleep trough all the night. Yeay!!! But at the same time it was  the most painful moments emotionally since Gide was still co sleeping with us and usually what he did was "talking" to the baby ever since we told him he was going to be a big brother 

Gide: Hello, baby!
Me: Gide, babynya udah ga ada. Ntar kita berdoa lagi ya minta Tuhan kasih dede baby lagi ...
Gide: Ada, mami! Ada baby di perut mami! Ini babynya punya Daddy, Mommy, and Gide .. Gide jadi big brother ...

We didn't expect him to fully understand of what's going on but eventually this lil boy of ours understood. After almost few days insisted that the baby was there, one night he said to me,..."Mami, dede babynya sekarang ga ada ya. Nanti Gide pray ya biar Tuhan kasih dede baby lagi ya", on any other day he would ask me, "Mami perutnya sakit ga? Gide boleh bobo di perut mami? Gide pray  supaya mami perutnya ga sakit lagi ya. Yesus, tolong mami perutnya sakit. Dalam nama Yesus mami sembuh! Amin!"  Yes he did that and we feel more than grateful for this lil darling in our live! We thank you for you, Gide!

Three days passed, thank God the bleeding was getting lesser and lesser and I started to gain my strength back though I still felt tired easily. I had to know and limit myself since I was the one who can feel and know my own body. I drank plenty of water, limited my food intake and that's the worst coming home ever! Nasi padang jadi hambar rasanya!!! Ouch!!

D+5
It's the day we scheduled back to Singapore and thank God my bleeding stop at all. I still continued taking the medicine since it lasted for 7 days. I was praying and hoping hard so that we could go home together on schedule and God granted my wish. Yeay!!! That day I woke up feel fresh and was able to move around freely! Praise the Lord! We went back to Singapore with blessings from our family and there was our luggage drama happen. What a week!!! But again, God is good! :)

D+10
Another doctor appointment! It supposed to be our second visit to see the baby but turned out to be post miscarriage check up. Life is indeed full of surprises! In this kind of time all you need to is take or leave it kind of attitude and we chose take it! Take it with a grateful heart believing that everything happen for a reason and God is in control! I can type easily this sentence but trust me, to walk the talk is not as easy as typing it but again it's by His grace that strengthen us :)

The check up went well, did another round of ultra sound and pregnancy test to make sure that I was not pregnant, .... Honestly, it's kind an emotional when you see there's only one stripe at the test pack but at the same time I'm thanking God that the recovery process went well. According to the doctor, the menstruation should come as per normal and it's the last sign that I'm fully recover, and once the period is over we can start all over again to conceive.

D+++
Our life is back as per normal, I guess! You know, life as we supposed to know it! The sadness, the pain, the grief, and the experience are still there and we don't try to deny it. As a family we learn to acknowledge those feelings but instead of analyzing the whys we choose to embrace it. I still keep my pregnancy test pack, the ultrasound, and the big brother announcement picture we took earlier. I still remember that day when Abang came home and we told the news to him that we're having our second child. I still remember he was smiling ear to ear, and not to forget Gide's reaction when we brought him to the gyane for the first time. All those memories stay and nothing we could do about it rather than cherish it!

If you ask me where is Abang trough all this journey? He always there!!! He didn't say much but trough every prayers, hugs, and kisses I truly know that he's there. I know that he's hurt as hurt as me, he also as sad as me but again we know we're all in this together and the love of God is the one who sustain us. We learn to appreciate each other more, to support each other more, to walk this journey hand in hand as one team. I truly thank God for him! A compatible partner trough thick and thin!!

For me, myself, I don't let myself to be defeated! Physically, emotionally I am so weak but I won't let my spiritual to be crushed! Whenever I feel sad and down I pray! That works for me!! I do whatever makes me happy! I cuddle with Gide, I hug Abang, I eat beng - beng, I even went for manicure and pedicure! Life is too short to be wasted!!! I surrender myself more to God's love knowing He's the one who know me so well!! Oh!! Lemme share you one more thing! This verse came up trough this journey, ...
"We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We often don’t know what to do, but we don’t give up. We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed. So we constantly experience the death of Jesus in our own bodies, but this is so that the life of Jesus can also be seen in our bodies.  We are alive, but for Jesus we are always in danger of death, so that the life of Jesus can be seen in our bodies that die. So death is working in us, but the result is that life is working in you" 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 ERV
I remember an old sermon few years back by Ps Jerome Ocampo saying that life can hit us so hard but don't let life knocked you out! And that was the verse that he shared during his sermon. Amen for that!!! And once after we went back to Singapore, it's not a coincident that Ps Jerome was the one who preached again on that Sunday service sharing how to keep our balance trough the storm of life! You guys should check his messages out! A man of God from the Philippines!! I thank God for keeping me safe and sound in this storm of life!

Trough this journey, I met friends that happen to be gone trough the same experience with us, I learn to appreciate life more, I treasure my loved ones more, and I'm totally grateful for all of you who pray and support us from accompanying me, sending thouse delicous paos, sending WA messages, hugs, or just checking me out. I really appreciate that from the bottom of my heart :)

The waiting game is over by the way! I got my period as per normal date and praise to be the God for all this! Kata Abang, "Aku ga pernah sebahagia ini tau kamu dapet loh, Gee" ... Well, same here!  ... Another journey awaits us! Better! Stronger! Amazinger!! Is there such a word?! HAHAHA :D

Well, life can be so unpredictable and full of surprises but no matter what make sure you know when to hold on tight and to let go! Cheers to life!!!! :)

Comments

  1. hugs gill! mirip2 ceritanya gw dulu pas hamil pertama (sebelum stellan). 7 weeks, abis pulang dr jkt ada spotting pas ke a&e rs kandang ga ada heartbeat lagi. sediihh bgt waktu itu tapi God is sovereign and he gave me the best rainbow baby now :)
    tp waktu itu (sampe skrg) klo kepikir emg masih sedih sih sedih ya #mamakemo

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    1. iya sedihnya pasti ada ya tapi biar Tuhan yang comfort terus ya :) and yes you're blessed with stellan now :)

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  2. Gill, gue sendiri ga pernah mengalami, tapi gue percaya Tuhan kasih yg terbaik utk kalian sekeluarga. Semuanya berlalu dengan baik, dan Tuhan jaga kalian terus selama prosesnya. Semua akan indah pada waktu-Nya.

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  3. Don't know if you know this, but I've also had two miscarriages after M. It's painful and heartbreaking 'til this very day. But I've learned to appreciate and be grateful more on what we have, a healthy and smart daughter. Instead on focusing on what we could have, I'm focusing myself to be a better mother for M. I think it's God's plans for me.

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    1. HUG HUG Angie!!! Yup couldn't agree more with you :) GO GO MAMA!!! GO GO MAMA!!!!

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